March 09, 2006



If Joyce were a lego guy, this would be her...with her ugly, drawn on, angry eyebrows.

Cruisin' For A Bruisin'...This Means YOU, Joyce!

I could title it "Evil Bitch Part __" but there are so many evil Joyce stories that, well...I'm not sure numbers go up that high. After a little over 2 years, I finally got $60 of the only-Pete-knows how much she owes me back. It was like pulling teeth...although, I've never pulled a tooth, nor have I had one pulled, but it's probably something like getting money back from Joyce.

To truly understand how frustrating this is, you'd have to know the circumstances surrounding the lending of the money. There were several times both Todd and I were suckers, knowing full well what happens when the evil bitch gets a hold of your cash, but lending it anyway, seeing as we have a soft spot in our hearts for her husband.

The specific amount I'm in the process of getting back was a $250 dollar lend. It was for the purchase of her new house. She was going through some first time home owner or federal grant thingy or whatever it was, and the lender needed to see that she had a minimum of $2000 in her savings for a period of 2 months. I guess this shows them that the person they are lending the money to has enough money banked away to continue paying for their house if the worst were to happen.

Joyce swore to me that the money would be returned as soon as the lender guy was done checking up on them periodically. She reassured me that it wouldn't be spent, and that it just had to sit in her savings "for show." Reluctantly, I agreed to do it, thinking that if it didn't really need to be spent, there was no way I wouldn't get it back. Yeah, I know...I hadn't learned my lesson yet.

2 months passed, and when I asked for it, she replied, "Well, I needed to use it." Naturally, I argued with her about being a stupid bitch and a goddamned fucking liar...which she denied. I told her that maybe if she couldn't afford to actually have the money OF HER OWN that professional budget making folks tell her she needs, then maybe she wasn't ready to buy a house. She implied that I was young and stupid and knew nothing of finances.

So the years have passed, and by letting Jason know how pissed that whole situation has made me, I'm starting to see a little money come back my way. Understand that there is NO talking to Joyce. She is always right...and she has a long, gnarly-ass finger that she'll stick in your face while she's telling you so.

Anyway, Jason made a point of setting a portion of his check away for us. When we stopped by to get it, only Joyce was there...and she only gave us $60 of it. Todd tried to calmly discuss with her why it was wrong, and why we deserve our own money, but she wouldn't hear it. "Well, I have bills to pay, too!" she snarled. STUPID BITCH!! NOT WITH MY MONEY, YOU DON'T!

She just doesn't get it-probably never will. What pisses me off most now, is that EVERY time we see her, she's out somewhere just spending money. I see her car at the casino 3 or 4 times a week. Now I know you must be thinking, "In order to see her car there 3 0r 4 times a week, you must be going there 3 0r 4 times a week as well." Well, I do. And I love it. I have a great time, all my bills are paid, and I don't owe people hundreds upon hundreds of dollars. She does. As far as I see it, she's gambling on my dollar.

So tonight, I just got back from Wal-Mart. Sure enough, she was there with a cart full of shit. Not the necessities, like groceries and diapers, mind you...JUST PLAIN SHIT. "JOYCE!!" I yelled. I was ready to give her a piece of my mind, and possibly my fist, but do you know what the stupid bitch did? She looked right at me, turned her head, and kept walking, as if she didn't even see me. Now, being at home, and a little less pissed (believe it or not), I realize that it's probably a good thing I didn't start a fight with Joyce in the middle of Wal-Mart. It wouldn't look good for Todd's new Tire and Lube Express job there.

It's just that she has the nerve, when she's leaving a store with an armful of bags or passes me at the casino, to say to me, "I thought you needed money, what are you doing here?" Bitch, I don't NEED money. I WANT my money. YOU have it. It doesn't matter what I want it back for, even if it's to take it from her hands and literally flush it down the toilet. It's my money.

Okay...I'm done...for now, anyway. Just had to bitch about the bitch for a few.

March 05, 2006

Crazy Bitches and Rodeo Clowns

We were out at R&R the other night for Todd's sister's birthday party and a couple funny things happened.

Number one, the Evil Bitch was there. She shouldn't have been there, because she owes us so much money and always acts like she doesn't have any. Todd's sister, Tammy said, "Hey, Joyce, are you pregnant again?" She looks like she is, mind you. The great thing is, Joyce put me down for working out at the Rec. Center so much and said, "I can look just as good as anyone by working out at home." Apparently her home workouts aren't doing the job. "No, I'm not!!!" Joyce said back to Tammy, and immediatly stormed out of the bar. The other great thing about that, was that I totally busted out laughing the second Tammy said it, and Joyce saw me. I thought that would be a great drunken time to call Sarah from the bar and leave the story on her answering machine...not sure if she got it.

The other funny thing is about a bartender who also does karaoke around these parts. Her name is Trish. Sarah, you may remember her as the girl who said, "Well I work here now!!" and checked our IDs over with a fine toothed comb to make sure we "weren't wearing high heels."

Apparently she doesn't like Todd either. So I asked him, "What's her problem with you?" Todd replied simply, "I don't know, it probably has something to do with that time I was scrapping with the rodeo clowns."

I love that I have a boyfriend who can honestly say that he has scrapped with rodeo clowns. I hope everyone else finds that as amusing as I do.

March 02, 2006

How Stupid Are We?

Just thought you all might get a kick out of these product warning labels I found.


"Directions: Use like regular soap." Found on package of handsoap.
"Warning: May contain small parts." Found on a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." Found on a toilet brush.
"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows." Found on A/C box.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." Found in the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not use for drying pets." Found in a manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." Found on electric cattle prod.
"Peel fruit from cellophane wrapping before eating." Found on box of Fruit Roll-ups.
"Warning: Do not reuse bottle to store beverages." Found on bottle of drain cleaner.
"Keep away from children." Found on bottle of baby oil.
"Do not take if allergic to aspirin." Found on bottle of aspirin.
"Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only." Found on a package for Christmas lights.
"Ignite lighter away from face." Found on disposable lighter.
"This broom does not actually fly." Found on package for a toy witch broom.
"Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in lab rats." Found on a box of rat poison.
"Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals." Directions for Swedish chain saw.
"Remove infant before folding for storage." Found on portable stroller.
"Do not iron clothes while on body." Found on packaging for an iron.
"If swallowed, promptly see doctor." Found on package for alkaline batteries.
"Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problems." Found on popular PMS medicine.
"Not for human consumption." Found on package of dice.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." Found on the back of an electric ear thermometer.
"For external use only." Found on package for a curling iron.
"You could be a WINNER! No purchase necessary. Details inside." Found on bag of corn chips.
"Not for intimate cleansing." Found on bottle of perfume.