January 01, 2006

The Night The Shit Went Down On New Year's

I've had a mind block lately. It's not that I don't have anything going on in my life, it's just that in order to write about those things I would have to A)bore people to death...B)Weird people out...or C)be incredibly inappropriate. So what I'll do is follow Sarah's suggestion and tell a little story. Bear with me, this little story is a long one!


Sarah and I were actually in a fight. Yes, you heard me, a fight. And a real one, too, not just trading insults...this was the real thing. Some of you may remember Joyce, the psycho from EVIL BITCH PART 1, and for those of you wondering, yes there will be many more installments of the EVIL BITCH series. I just haven't gotten around to them.

To the surprise of many, Joyce had a friend. We'll call her Babs. Upon closer inspection of Babs, you'd understand just why she would befriend Joyce. She, too, was an Evil bitch...AND SHE WAS DATING TODD!!! Joyce and Babs hated me. They hated me for every reason, and they hated me for no reason at all, and in turn (for no reason at all) they hated Sarah.

Sarah and I would go off on our nightly bar runs. Usually we'd be the ones just having a good time, minding our own business when Joyce and Babs would try and start something. I won't lie, though. Occasionally it was just plain fun to try and antagonize them. More often than not, though, they would show up, get in our faces, and we would ignore them. If that wouldn't work, we would finish our beers, get in the car, and head to an establishment where they were not.

It just so happened that one night while I was being held prisoner by the world's worst ex, not able to go out to the bar with my best friend, Todd and Sarah ran into each other and headed out for some drinks. After a night of good old fashioned friendly fun, Sarah brought Todd home (to Babs' house...and by the way, it still bothers me that he hooked up with her...Todd would say I can't point fingers, since it bothers him that I hooked up with Wayne, but that's a whole different story..)Sorry, wild tangent. Now Babs knew that I was someone she had to worry about. I was still interested in Todd, and he was still interested in me, and there was nothing she could do about it. Sarah, however, was not a problem. She just happened to be my friend...and to Babs and Joyce, that meant trouble.

In the morning, Sarah realized that Todd had forgotten his cell phone in her car. We decided that we'd stop by before we went out that night to return it. When we got to Babs' house, she answered the door, looking more pissed off than usual. We simply asked if Todd was home, and when she said he was not, we asked her to please tell him that he forgot his phone in Sarah's car and could stop by to pick it up whenever he wanted to. For no apparent reason, Babs flew off the handle! She demanded that we surrender the phone to her immediatly. Because of her psychotic behavior, we decided not to do that, and told her once again that Todd could pick his phone up whenever he'd like to. With that said, we headed back for the car and took a trip down Main Street to see if any of our bars were busy enough for us to want to stop in for a visit.

Just then, we saw Todd's mom's car. We stopped at Northern Lights where we found the two of them doing a little karaoke. Both Pat (Todd's mom) and Todd were happy to see us. We gave Todd his phone, ordered some drinks, and for the next 15-20 minutes, had ourselves a great time. That great time was cut short when an angry Babs, donning a ripped T-shirt and grey sweat pants, came barreling into the bar, heading straight for us! "I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED IN MY OWN HOME!!!" Babs screamed at us. "YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE PHONE RIGHT THEN!! YOU DIDN'T NEED TO COME DOWN HERE AND FIND TODD!!" she wailed.

Babs continued to freak out, and while many more things were said, I honestly don't remember them all. You know you have those drunken nights where you just want to fight with someone, and then you have those drunken nights where you just want to have a good time? Well, that night we just wanted to have a good time. So we apologized to Todd and Pat for cutting our visit short, and walked quickly past Babs, ignoring her the whole way and headed back to the car. The whole time she was briskly walking behind us, yelling and swearing, and as we got into the car, closed the doors, and started to drive off, she was chasing after the car. Not in the mood to go back and give her what she deserved, we went a couple of doors down to U Make The Call, found a seat, ordered some new drinks, and swore that one day both Babs and Joyce would get what they had coming to them.

A few days had passed since the ugly encounter with Babs that night, but all was not forgotten. It was now New Year's Eve, and Sarah and I had plans to celebrate at Witterholt's, a bar and bowling alley in Bonduel. We knew most of our good friends would be there and were pretty excited for the good times we were to have. Unfortunatly, our good friends included Jason and Todd, and with their arrival would also come Joyce and Babs. We were in another one of those moods, though, where we were just out for a good time, and figured no amount of bitchiness from Babs and Joyce could ruin it for us tonight. Little did we know...

Mostly the night went on better than we could have imagined. We took advantage of free champagne and snacks and hung out with our best of friends. Todd pretty much ignored Babs, and I got his first hug of the new year immediatly following the countdown, but that's when all hell broke loose!!

Joyce came at me with a big smile, holding her arms out for a hug. I was a bit nervous, being as this was out of character for her, but I returned the hug and we wished each other a happy new year. No sooner had the words left her mouth, than Joyce's gnarly finger raised to my face, no more than half an inch from my nose!

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT THE OTHER DAY?" she bitched at me.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Joyce." I said calmly to her.
"Joyce," I tried to reason with her, "no one was disrespectful except maybe Sabrina, chasing us out of the bar."

Not wanting to deal with Joyce's bull-shit, I started to walk away from her.
"No you aren't," I said to her, "you have your nasty finger up in my face like a little kid. If you want to talk to me like an adult, I'll listen, but you better get your finger out of my face," I said, "Anyway, I wasn't even with him, Sarah was. She had the phone, and I was just going with her to return it, because truthfully, Sabrina is a bitch to us every time we stop by."

With that I walked away, but Joyce wasn't done yelling, so she found Sarah and laid into her. I made my way toward the bathroom where Babs found me, raised her finger to my face, and said, "You know, I'm not the kind of person you think I am."
"Then get your finger out of my face!" I yelled back at her. Strangely enough, I was still in the mood to let it all go for the sake of a good time, but that mood didn't last. I turned back to see Babs with her finger now in Sarah's face. Sarah looked as if she wanted no part of the nonsense and turned to walk away from her, but not before sticking her own finger in Babs'face. "THERE! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" Sarah yelled at her. Babs was not willing to let it go, though. She was out to fight, and it didn't matter that I was the one she was angry with-Sarah was closer.

As Sarah blew her off and walked away, Babs grabbed her shoulder and started to chase after her. This was enough for me! There was no reason to try and pick a fight with someone who 1)did not have anything to do with the problem, and 2)was walking away from the whole deal. I ran back down the hall, grabbed Babs by the hair, knee-ed her in the ass, and punched her in the back! The next thing I knew, Babs was on the floor. "Don't mess with us!" I yelled, "That's what you'll get every time, Babs!"

In her anger, however, I don't think she even heard me, because as soon as she got up, she was chasing back after Sarah. I followed close after her, as did Jason. He grabbed Babs to try and stop her, but I wasn't through with her. With all my strength I pulled Jason out of the way in hopes of getting another shot at her. My attempt was foiled, though, because Jimmy saw all the action and quickly pulled me away. Thinking it was amusing, though, he let me go temporarily as he said, "Aww, what the hell, get one more swing in." I did just that, and then he made me quit again.

Shortly after all this, the tales began to spin. First it was being said that Jason was the one who had punched Babs. I don't know about the places everyone else lives in, but that's trouble around here. Guys just don't hit girls (even if the girls are like Babs) and get away with it. So that little story almost got Jason's ass kicked for him. Next Babs told the story that Sarah had come after her. For quite a while this is what people believed no matter what we said. We tried to reason with people, telling them that in the crowded hallway, there was no way Sarah could have turned around with Babs chasing after her, and managed to somehow get behind her to attack her from behind.

Yes, folks, this was a mystery. Babs was too stupid to turn around and actually look at her attacker, so she just plain made something up. The only person who really witnessed anything was Jimmy, but he didn't see the whole thing unravel, only that there was a fight, I was near it, and he needed to remove me.

I was pissed at the situation and Sarah was pissed at being blamed for it, so in our rage, we headed to the lobby of the bar to cool off by ourselves for a while. It was then that we passed Joyce and Babs on our way, and Joyce gave birth to one of our favorite angry Joyce quotes of all time, "You better PRAY you don't see me again."

As we stormed off, I said to Sarah, "I'm not even going to tell her she better pray, she's just going to know to start!" Then came clue #1 that I was the attacker. I noticed I was walking with a limp. I looked down to see to see the size 7 black shoe I had borrowed from Sarah that evening on my left foot, and a grotesquely large twin to the shoe on my right.
"WHAT IS THIS?!?!" I screamed in my drunken rage. "THIS BIG ASS SHOE CAN'T FIT MY FOOT!" I was now wandering around the bar still limping with the huge shoe and the normal shoe worn as a pair. That's when I spotted it. Babs was in the corner-one big shoe on and one size 7 in her hands. I was ready to have more fun.

"THIS CAN'T BE MY SHOE!! WHOEVER THIS BELONGS TO MUST HAVE HUGE FEET." I yelled. Jimmy, noticing more trouble offered to make the shoe exchange.
Looking more pissed now than ever Sarah said, "Those are MY shoes too!! Get it back from her!"

Well, we got the shoe back, which was good, because we both loved those shoes. And the night rolled on with mostly dirty looks and not much else. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I ran into Jason minus Joyce at another bar and we were able to discuss what really happened. We grabbed a few beers for the road and parked down by the dam to discuss that night's events. Jason said he didn't really know who threw the punch, but he was going with the Sarah story, and asked me to tell her that he was proud of her. He then told me whoever it was was probably the same guy he tried to throw off his back in the hallway.
"What makes you so sure it was a guy?" I asked him.
"It had to be a guy," Jason figured, "I've never felt such power, the way he pulled me back and hit me. No chick could have done that."
I laughed. "Sorry I hit you, Jason. I was just so pissed, I had to go after her again and you were in my way."
He cracked open another beer, and with a proud look, toasted me.
"That's my girl," he said. "I guess we better finish these up and get back. I don't want Joyce to kill me."

Eventually Sarah and I decided that we were both pretty proud of that evening's outcome and we would share the blame, responsibility, and glory of it all. What are friends for? We heard a lot of stories from a lot of people on what really happened that night. Some stories sucked, some were funny, and some were just crazy. Yes, we got in a fight that New Year's Eve, and we kicked the asses of both Joyce and Babs. At least that's the story we're going with.


At Monday, January 02, 2006 12:03:00 AM, Blogger Brown said...


Sarah and Lisa. kicking ass and publishing psuedonyms!!! w00t w00t

The ripped t-shirt and grey sweatpants really got me in the mood.


At Monday, January 02, 2006 12:24:00 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Thank you for commenting!! You are the first person to do that (other than Sarah) since I started my blog. Awesome...I'll have to check out yours.


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